Have you had all your shots? I've had mine. A shot of tequila, a shot of Jack, another shot of tequila, a shot of Jim Beam, another shot of tequila, a shot of southern comfort………

"Life is a bowl of cherries but first it pisses you off." The shortest distance between two points is usually under construction. A fifth of vodka is way better than a pound of cure. What is the biggest Rock Group in the World? Mount Rushmore, of course. NEWS FLASH! The Mob killed Einstein because he knew too much. (Film at eleven).

Does anyone know who the official Queen of the Castle at Castle Island is? I think the public would like to know.

Anyone remember the 1964 movie "Kisses For My President" - the story of the first woman president starring Polly Bergen and Fred MacMurray? It's a movie whose time ......will have to wait a little longer. Where is Polly now? Anybody know?

Do you think Thanksgiving is the Pilgrim's idea of giving us the bird? Did you ever read the book "Antlers On A Tree Top" by Who Goosed a Moose? Fascinating wildlife story.

Is antipasto something against pasta? Are collard greens edible? Is it better to burn out than to rust? Just what does that mean? Are opossums Irish? Everytime I have a chest x-ray, the technician has to use a wide angle lens. I don't know why...... "If sticks and stones will break my bones, what does a calcium deficiency do?"

Anyone know what this "BigDig" stuff is all about? Is it really all that big? If engineers wanted to depress the Central Artery all they had to do was tell it sad stories. The therapy bills would be huge but at least the traffic would be out of sight. Carpool Tunnel Syndrome is the irrational fear of being driven thru a tunnel on your way to work.

If all the world's a stage, where is the audience? If all the world's a stage does everyone have to join the Screen Actors Guild? If all the worlds a stage, is life just an intermission? If all the world's a stage, why do I have to sit in the balconey? If all the world's a stage, why can't I get into the theater? If all the worlds a stage, who are the ushers? "Nice play, Shakespeare. When are you going to do another one." Said Peter the flower boy one day.

Everything is still the same. It is just a little different now. How old would you be if we were using the metric system? I can see for miles and miles. You can mash potatoes but just how do you pea soup? It is reported that no two snowflakes are alike but has anyone seen all the snowflakes there will ever be? If at first you don't succeed, do something else. If something else doesn't work, then screw it. You probably weren't meant to succeed anyways.

You know you're having a bad day when your mood ring blows up. You know you are having a bad day when your cereal snap, crackles and explodes. You know you are having a bad day when the widshield wipers on your car only work when it is NOT raining. You know you are having a good day when you zip up your pants and nothing gets caught.

I am currently into Aerobics Imagery. I imagine myself doing aerobics for at least an hour a day. The best part is I can do this while I take a nap and my sneakers never wear out.

Did you ever notice that as Ethel Merman got older, she looked more and more like the Cowardly Lion in the Wizard of Oz? Was it a cruel Hollywood hoax or an experiment in genetics that got out of hand? You be the judge!

Of course I've got great rhythm. I have no kids. Do you think impotence is natures way of saying "no hard feelings?"

Behind every great man is usually a very surprised father in law. Do you think Ronald Reagan reads about himself in the newspaper and then says to his wife "Nancy, do you know Ronald Reagan has alzheimers?" We've all known Ronald had Alzheimers back when he was president. The first clue was in 1988 when he kept asking "Oliver who?"

If the shoe fits - shine it!! Are Legal Briefs just another name for lawyer's underwear? Where is Rula Lenska when we really need her? What happens to a lawyer when he takes viagra? He gets taller. In Junior High School, we played "Speedball" instead of "Soccer." That's because the gym teacher was on drugs. On the Letterman show the other night, a comedian did an impression of an anchor. Boy, was that heavy.

Is Maszel Tov Jewish mistletoe? Is a headache the ego getting bent out of shape? A migrane headache is a pain in the ass that has risen to the top. What kind of suit has no pants? A paternity suit. A screwdriver is a prison guard chauffer. If you are in a quandry are you test driving a Japanese sports car?

Sow your wild oats on Saturday night and then Sunday go to church and pray for crop failure. Today may be the first day of the rest of your life but tomorrow is last weeks next week.

If a movie is made about the life of Bill Clinton will it be called "Zipper Wide Shut"? Speaking of movies, was the movie "BowFinger" about Geena Davis' archery career?

Roger Ebert gives "The Blair Witch Project" 2 thumbs up while Gene Siskel gives the movie 6 feet down. Film at eleven. (Sure, Gene. Take the easy way out.)

Do you think Ronald Regan reads about himself in the newspaper and says to his wife "Nancy, did you know Ronald Regan has alzheimers?"