The Boston BeanAtorium

Comments from the Waterfront by Colleen A. Kelley Ó 2000

Who should buy the Red Sox?

I'll tell you who should buy the Red Sox. He's a major baseball fan. He's a major league Red Sox fan. He's a New England guy. He's the master of Horror stories. (And even the most die-hard Red Sox fan, such as myself, will have to admit the Sox can be a horror story at times.) He is none other than Stephan King. You read correctly. Stephan King. Stephan King? You are asking yourself? Why not? Who better to own the Red Sox than Mr. King?

Imagine, if you will, what the baseball season and Fenway Park, would be like with Stephan The King at the helm. Everyday would be Halloween at Fenway Park. Every inning - a trick or a treat.

The first thing Stephan should do as owner is display a Talisman at the main entrance to Fenway and forever crush the Curse Of The Bambino. With the age old curse out of the way and buried forever, the first season under his ownership will be The Shining-est in all of Red Sox history.

Wally the mascot will be replaced by Cujo, a cute little dog that will roam the park on game days and bite the ankles of any Yankee fan that dares step foot in Boston and turn a pleasant afternoon into a CreepShow. The Grounds crew will be renamed the Skeleton Crew and Bill Moody will forever be known as Lawnmower Man.

The on deck circle will be renamed Circle Of The Werewolf and pitchers will be driven from the bullpen to the mound in Christine and the chauffeur will be Carrie. Sean McDonough and Jerry Remy will broadcast the games from The Dark Tower as they debate each call The Eyes of The Dragon, AKA the home plate umpire, will render.

Every time Pedro takes the mound he will become The Firestarter. Carl Everett will always be known as the GunSlinger. But The Red Sox Running Man will be Lou, Lou, Lou Merloni.

Beer will be sold at the Stand while the staff exchange stories from The Night Shift as Dolores Claiborne over see's their work.

The manager, who I hope is Jimy Williams, will tell his players to get Thinner in the off season or don't show up until a Different Season or their career will become a time of Misery.

Pesky's Pole will remain Pesky's Pole but the warning track will become The Dead Zone. Any batter whom hits one over the Green Monster will be credited with a homerun hit a Green Mile. Of course, that could only result in Nightmares and DreamScapes for anyone driving on the Mass Pike at the time.

The City of Boston will place a curfew on night games and declare they must end no later than One Past Midnight but the Red Sox will once again push the envelope and play until Four Past Midnight, giving the Mayor Insomnia.

The bleacher section of Fenway will be renamed Salem's Lot and the 600 Club Boxes will be renamed Pet Semetary.

Don't make Brian Rose Madder, just get him back to Boston where he belongs. He displays A Special Kind Of Love for the hometown team. (C'mon, Dan. Be a sport.)

Out of shear Desperation and gratitude to Stephan King for buying the Red Sox baseball will be known as Gerald's Game.

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