Jack O. Lantern sat on the steps.....lifeless. His eyes were blank, hollow gaping holes. His mouth, with that perpetual grimace that has been frozen in place forever, was partially toothless. His cranium had been severed and the top part of his head removed to reveal the inner workings of his brain. Brain cells were scattered about on the front steps beside the lifeless Jack. His brain stem was found hidden in the bushes with part of the skull still attached. His skin had an unnatural fading orange palor that was quickly losing its firmness.

The Medical Examiner, Dr. Rigor Mortis, was called to the scene by the Pumkin Police. After an examination that revealed no pulse, no heartbeat and no brain function, Dr. Mortis pronounced Jack Dead. He was as dead as a doornail. The lifeless remains of Jack was transported to "Autopsies R Us" for a complete death analysis.

Jacks family was notified and called to the MortuPumkinary to identify the remains of their beloved Jack. Mrs. Lantern immediately notified the family funereal director, Digger Graves, and made arrangements for Jacks final trip to his final reward.

The autopsy was perfomed by Dr. Martha Stewart. She removed Jacks major organs, soft mushy brain matter and a sampling of brain cells for analysis and straining. Cause of death was determined to be murder by a sharp object and blunt trauma possibly caused by falling - or was he pushed? - down the steps.

The Pumpkin Police were busy interviewing anyone who may have seen anything. Being Halloween, the streets were filled with kids in costumes and their parents as well as those self appointed mayhem makers of the street. Somebody must have seen something. But nobody was fessin' up.

"We ain't seen nuthin', Copper. Honest to Mars Bars, We ain't see nuthin"" The kids all said.

With the autopsy complete, Mr. Graves set about the task of preparing the body for its final disposal. Mrs. Lantern had chosen a round metal shallow dish lined with a nice graham cracker crust. The embalming process took no time at all as the blender has a "whip into a frenzy" button. Frenzy was Jacks favorite word - and activity, something that always made Mrs. Lantern blush. Which she did as she told Mr. Graves "Jack wants frenzy. Lots of it."

Jack favored cremation over liquifying so the crematorium was set to 350 degree's approximately 15 minutes before the ceremony was to take place. Jack was ready for his final reward. As family and friends gathered to bid Jack a final farewll, Jack's remains were carefully placed in the creamtorium dish. A few prayers were said by the Reverend Julia Child of Bakery and the holy sprinkles of cinnamon were placed atop Jack's remains. The crowd gasped as the last of Jack was placed in the oven and the door was shut. Prayers continued for 45 minutes as the crowd waited for the cremation ceremony to be completed.

Finally, the clock struck done and the door was opened. The plate of baked Jack was removed from the oven and placed in the center of the crowd for all to admire. "Yes, he is now perfect." Whispered the crowd.

"He has never looked so good" commented the widow Lantern. "He is finally at peace after being found in pieces."

"Yes" said Reverend Julia of Bakery, he looks good enough to eat."

So they did.

That is all I have to report at this time.

Colleen A. Kelley Ó 2001