What's the deal with GW wanting to be president? What could possibly make him leave the warm, comfortable confines of the Capital Punishment capital of the United States and make a mad Texas Long Horn dash for the White House? Was Texas not a big enough challenge for him? Did he want to get away from his beloved Texas for the bright lights of DC? Did the good folks of Texas bribe him to leave town? Was the allure of unrestrained Oval Office interns too much for him to pass up? I think all of these questions can be answered with a resounding and firm "no."

Being the clever guy he is, GW had more personal reasons for running for the White House. Sure "Former President of the United States" would look great on his future resume but his desire for the White House and all the privileges that goes with it had nothing to do with resume building. No, siree, Bob and all the cow chips of Texas.

Why did GW run for president and persist at being declared the winner in Florida despite all the election rules being broken? The answer is so elementary. His daughters are teenagers and who better to keep tabs on the girls than the Secret Service? According to semi-reliable sources that shall be named and interrogated later, the kids are from the same blue print as GW himself. They are wild, out of control, hard drinking, party hearty, whoop it up, don't even try to live it down teenagers categorized as "normal" teens. They graduated from High School where Jenna, who was the senior class vice president, was described as closed minded, racist and promiscuous. Barbara was described as athletic, out going and more sane minded than her twin. Both girls were classified as drinkers and loved to get drunk at parties.

It appears that the girls are following in their father's footsteps, possibly side stepping their mothers Dewey Decimal System footsteps all together. GW found he couldn't control his daughters so instead of packing them off to a very strict, disciplinary school that majors in boot camp tactics to scare some sense of responsibility into teens about to go off, or that have gone off, the straight and narrow, he ran for the presidency. That win would give him the privilege of turning his teens over to the secret service who would assume the responsibility of doing what dad can't seem to do: keep an eye on the girls and make sure they stay out of trouble. Or if they can't stay out of trouble, keep the trouble out of the media or deflect the trouble someplace else. What better way to keep the kids out of the spot light than to shine the spot light on them so brightly that the rest of the world is blinded. Who said GW had nothing up his sleeve?

I can only imagine what the duties of the SS will be for the girls. I'm sure their job will be exhaustive as they officiate at the chug-a-lug contests at the girls' respective schools; make sure the girls are ushered out a side door in case of a police raid at any club they might be attending; frisk the young men they date to make sure they have all the proper precautions, assuming the girls do draw a line at some level of danger they wish to encounter; create a diversion so the girls and their friends can go skinny dipping at the local swimming pool.

The local pizza place is closed and "someone" just has to have a pizza with everything or they will die? No problem when the local Secret Service is on your daddy's payroll. One large "gut busting pizza with it all" to go - no questions asked. Or how about missing curfew? No problem when the US government is in Daddy's back pocket. Need that extra hour some weekend to achieve that much-needed buzz? Just say the word and the Secret Service will have the clocks spinning faster than a dreidle on the first day of Chanukah. Yes, yes, yes. Our tax dollars hard at work. Continued first family teenaged hijinks as it happens.

That is all I have to report at this time.

Colleen A. Kelley Ó 2001